- ( text ) : uh, do you have my pants because i have yours
- ( text ) : let’s play another game of whose boxers are hanging on my fence
- ( text ) : update. a gay guy just told me that i’m the most beautiful thing with a vagina he has ever seen. how should i feel about this?
- ( text ) : i’m sorry about all the inappropriate shoe throwing.
- ( text ) : you killed a bottle of bacardi in 20 minutes. so much for being an organ donor.
- ( text ) : why can’t burritos get me drunk?
- ( text ) : i know you’re on a date and i should leave you alone, but about twenty minutes ago, i realized i haven’t been spanked in years so if you’re still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
- ( text ) : why is my bath tub filled with mud?
- ( text ) : i’ve noticed we slowly have begun to phase the “b” out of our bromace.
- ( text ) : you just jumped of the couch and yelled “hidden tiger crouching dragon!” that’s the answer to how you broke your finger.
- ( text ) : this is what my life has come to. drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
- ( text ) : if i open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
- ( text ) : apparently all year, they’ve been using me as a standard for drunkenness.
- ( text ) : all i’m saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding i wash the stolen dye from his hair. i’m not doing that a second time.
- ( text ) : i need to stop drunkenly getting naked. i’m losing all my party clothes.
- ( text ) : please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. i mean he’s the one with paint on his face. i don’t need him judge judying me.
- ( text ) : sooooo, how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital, but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
- ( text ) : hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
- ( text ) : so much for not drinking this week after this weekend. congrats, you made it until tuesday.
- ( text ) : i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
[text: the fucking fuckface went to fucking france] I’m not flying across the ocean to spank you.
[text: the fucking fuckface went to fucking france] Get your ass back here and I’ll consider it.
[text: the fucking fuckface went to fucking france: unsent] I miss you.